I’ve always wanted to be a mother. Ever since I’ve received my first stroller and doll, I knew that I was going to be a mother. Well, as of right now, I am not a mother, and I am becoming very defeated. I have cried every Mother’s Day since I’ve been married. I cry because although I am happy for my friends and family that are mothers, I wish that I could experience the same joy.
Since November, my husband and I have been actively trying to have a baby. I went to my Gynecologist, and he gave me so much hope. He ran tests and checked my eggs. He told me when to try and what medications will increase my chance. But every month, nothing. My mind keeps telling me that I am less than a woman because I cannot get pregnant. I cry every time I see a pregnancy announcement or new birth. When will it be me? I must have done something in my past that has caused me not to be able to become pregnant. But what is it? I want to be able to right this wrong. I look at a baby or a child and immediately wish I had a child to love. My friends tell me that my time is coming, but I do not see it. Maybe it was not meant to be. Everyone cannot be mothers, I guess.
I am trying to remain positive, but it gets harder every day to find that spirit. I know I should not beat myself up, but I cannot help it. The only thing I can do is continue to pray that one day I am blessed to have a little one call me mama. For right now, I can be happy that I am someone’s Aunt and godmother. Hopefully, my dream will come true. It has to come true.