The Late Text

*Phone chimes*

Depression: WYD?

Me: Nothing. Trying to sleep.

Depression: You’re lame for that.

Me: How am I lame?

Depression: Aren’t you sad?

Me: No.

Depression: SMH. Yes you are.

Me: No I am not! Stop saying that I am.

Depression: You’re sad AF. Just come clean.

Me: Bye.

Depression: You’re worthless.

Depression: No one wants you around.

Depression: Leave.

Me: Why are you doing this? Are you trying to make me cry?

*No reply*

*Phone chimes*

Depression: Are you sad yet? I’m trying to chill with you. What’s up?

Me. Leave me alone. I don’t want to deal with you.

Depression: What do you mean?

Me: I don’t like how you make me feel when we are together.

Depression: Don’t you like feeling like crap when I tell you people think so little of you?

Me: Wrong! I don’t like feeling like that.

Depression: But that’s what it is, though.

Depression: So… Can I come through?

Me: No. I don’t need you right now.

Depression: What?

Me: I don’t want to be with you Depression.

Depression: I am all you have.

Me: No you aren’t.

Depression: Since when?

Me: Since I started understanding that I am enough.

Depression: Whatever.

Depression: Stop lying to yourself and let me keep you company.

Me: I’m good Depression.

Depression: Excuse me?

Me: You’re excused. Now, if you don’t mind, I would like to get some rest.

*Blocks number*

What I Won’t Do

What I Won’t Do Is

  • I will not let people talk me out of my “No”
  • I will not put myself last because it makes other people uncomfortable
  • I will not listen to my inner critic
  • I will not stop reaching my goals
  • I will not let fear keep me from being my best self
  • I will not let what others say impact my decisions
  • I will not second guess myself
  • I will not say “no” to myself
  • I will not compete with anyone

Happy Birthday Ari!

Happy Birthday Ari!

We made it to year 34. I know it’s been a struggle, but we are still here. I want to thank you for holding on even though it was not an easy thing to do. I want you to know that you are stronger than you think you are.

Here are some things we will work on this year:

  • We will live without limits
  • We will pour into ourselves every chance we can
  • We will be slow to quit
  • We will be a lighthouse to people who are in need
  • We will stop beating ourselves up
  • We will learn to love ourselves more
  • We will be willing to stand firm on the boundaries we set
  • We will keep ourselves safe
  • We will fight for our goals and dreams
  • We will not allow outside factors to impact our being
  • We will find our “why” again
  • We will hope more
  • We will not let our mental illness win
  • We will stand strong

Missing Hope

Depression is back to sleep on my air mattress for the next few weeks rent-free. I missed him so much. NOT. I will be 34 on May 28th, and even though I have done some great things, I still feel as if I have done nothing. Like I thought by 34, I would be a mother, but it has not happened yet. And maybe I should focus on the “yet,” but he (Depression) will not let me see Hope. Hope is my dear friend. She keeps me going. Hope lets me know that everything will be fine if only I hold on to her. Depression does not like the hold Hope has on me. He would rather see me go days without showering or loving myself before he sees me with Hope. It is so unfair. I just want to see my friend again. I want to look at my water glass and see more water than I am used to seeing. Why is he keeping me from her? Depression, I just want you to ease up some. I feel like I am running on fumes.

This week I should be with Hope, but instead, I am listening to Depression telling me how I will have another horrible year. He is such a wonderful person to be around. Jerk.

Hope if you can hear me, just know that I love you and miss you so much. I will see you soon.

The Handshake

Working as a Director of a childcare center, I see many touching moments parents have with their children; but this particular moment brought my little Ari out to play. One of my school-age children’s dad visits her at the center when she is not over his house for the weekend. They talked and laughed for about 20 minutes, and when it was time for dad to leave, they get up from the bench and do a playful handshake. As an adult seeing their playful handshake, I thought it was so sweet and innocent. But little Ari grew sad and jealous because daddy never did anything like that with her. This daddy-daughter duo would do their handshake about three times out of the week. This dad would leave wherever work is to sit down and just laugh and talk to his daughter.  He could have called her on the phone, but no, he comes to the center to see her. My dad never did that. My dad never went out of his way to make me feel seen. The man (my dad) does have inside jokes with my sister, so I know that he has it in him. But I guess it was not for me to see that side of him. I want to say that I am not jealous of this young girl for having a great relationship with her dad. I love that this man is taking time out of his day to see his daughter without any rhyme or reason. I wish I had that connection with my dad, but I understand that it was not for me.

I have to learn to love my little Ari harder. She needs to hear daily that everything will be okay and that she is loved. I have to talk to her nicely. She deserves that from me her parent.

Little Ari, we will get through this together. Just hang on. I love you.

2020 Recap

Since we are closing out this year, I want to ask you some questions before entering 2021. I would like the readers of this post to answer at least one of the questions in the comments below. If it helps, write down the questions before answering them. Let’s make this post an interesting one.

-What was one thing you learned about yourself this year?

-What mistakes did you make in 2020?

-What successes did you have in 2020?

-What was your favorite memory of 2020?

-How would you describe this year?

-What is one thing you are leaving behind in 2020?

-What was your biggest challenge in 2020? How did you overcome it?

-If you could give 2020 a theme, what would it be and why?

-Are you ready for 2021? Why or why not?

I hope that 2021 brings nothing but happiness and enjoyment to every person that is reading this post. Allow 2021 to be the reset you need to jump-start everything you are trying to achieve. Happy New Year!

Sad Again: A Letter to Sadness

Dear Sadness,

You are not needed. Why is it every time I want happiness, you come along and talk me out of it? What is it about seeing me being happy bothers you? Is it because you can’t keep me in my bed? Is it because you can’t keep me thinking my life is pointless? I have a good life. I have a family that loves me through all of my ups and downs, and it kills you. It kills you that I learn how to forgive and move forever. Well, I hate to tell you this, sweetheart, but I am not sorry for you not winning over my life. I know that one day I will see you again, but I will be ready for you. I know that I may weep during the night, but I will find happiness and joy again. Never will I let you keep me down as you have before. That is a promise I am willing to make to me.

Girl Bye,

Ari

Are You Being Served?

I was thinking about what to write today since we are coming up to the end of the year, so let’s talk about letting go of things and people that do not serve us anymore. I know it is not a happy topic, but we need to talk about it before setting any new goals for 2021.

I am huge on friendships. I would stay in them even when I do not see them going anywhere. My anxiety would make me feel bad for ending relationships, and I would go back to that relationship, knowing nothing would change. This year as I look back on relationships that ended, I realized that holding on to a relationship to make the other person feel good does nothing for you. Is someone looking after you? If you cannot say yes to this question, it is a safe bet to say that your relationship is not serving you.

We cannot continue to live our lives for others. What does it do for us to give them our all and never get that in return? We have to remember that our means should be met in the relationships we have and if they are not met, we should feel no pressure to stay. I saw a video that said, “You do not have to set yourself on fire to keep others warm.” This means we should not burn ourselves out just to be with a person. We should not be the only ones giving our all to the relationship. Find a person that will be willing to give as well as receive.

A Letter to Doubt

Hey Doubt,

I am writing to you to let you know that you have no place here with me. Yes, I know we have been friends for a while, but this relationship is not serving me. You keep me second-guessing my purpose and my gifts. You made me think that no one will ever see the good in me. Hell, you even made me think my husband didn’t want me. Doubt, you are no one’s friend and to think that I trusted you makes me upset. Please know that you are not wanted or needed anymore, and you can take all your negative thoughts that you gave me back. I never did and still do not require you in my life.

Sorry. Not sorry.

Ari

Dear Mama

Mama,

I just want to thank you. Thank you for accepting the role of my mother. I know I am not the easiest to deal with, but you handle it with grace. Thank you for knowing just when to call to talk me off the bridge. Thank you for the encouraging words even when I felt that I was not worthy of them. Thank you for showing me what being a woman and a mother is. You went above and beyond to make sure my brother and I had everything we wanted or needed. You went without to make sure we had it all (sometimes we didn’t deserve it, but we had our hands out), and nothing I could say or give you can show how thankful I am for you. I thank God for a mother like you. I could never ask for anyone that would be as loving and strong as you, mama. I can only pray that I can be half the mother and woman you are. You are truly my role model and my superhero. Mama, I could never find enough words in any language to thank you enough for everything you have done and still do for me.

Mama, I will forever love you.