What If

What if I made the wrong choice about my career?

What if I am not cut out for this degree?

 What if I am not as smart as my mother thinks I am?

What if I was the cause of my long-term friendships ending?

What if I don’t know how to communicate without getting in my feelings?

What if I cannot be the mother I desire to be?

What if I never find my hope again?

What if my mental illness is too much for my husband to take?

What if I never get out of my depressive thoughts?

What if…

I could say what if over and over, but the world will continue to turn. So instead of focusing on my “what ifs,” I will focus on my journey to a better, happier me.

The Late Text

*Phone chimes*

Depression: WYD?

Me: Nothing. Trying to sleep.

Depression: You’re lame for that.

Me: How am I lame?

Depression: Aren’t you sad?

Me: No.

Depression: SMH. Yes you are.

Me: No I am not! Stop saying that I am.

Depression: You’re sad AF. Just come clean.

Me: Bye.

Depression: You’re worthless.

Depression: No one wants you around.

Depression: Leave.

Me: Why are you doing this? Are you trying to make me cry?

*No reply*

*Phone chimes*

Depression: Are you sad yet? I’m trying to chill with you. What’s up?

Me. Leave me alone. I don’t want to deal with you.

Depression: What do you mean?

Me: I don’t like how you make me feel when we are together.

Depression: Don’t you like feeling like crap when I tell you people think so little of you?

Me: Wrong! I don’t like feeling like that.

Depression: But that’s what it is, though.

Depression: So… Can I come through?

Me: No. I don’t need you right now.

Depression: What?

Me: I don’t want to be with you Depression.

Depression: I am all you have.

Me: No you aren’t.

Depression: Since when?

Me: Since I started understanding that I am enough.

Depression: Whatever.

Depression: Stop lying to yourself and let me keep you company.

Me: I’m good Depression.

Depression: Excuse me?

Me: You’re excused. Now, if you don’t mind, I would like to get some rest.

*Blocks number*

What I Won’t Do

What I Won’t Do Is

  • I will not let people talk me out of my “No”
  • I will not put myself last because it makes other people uncomfortable
  • I will not listen to my inner critic
  • I will not stop reaching my goals
  • I will not let fear keep me from being my best self
  • I will not let what others say impact my decisions
  • I will not second guess myself
  • I will not say “no” to myself
  • I will not compete with anyone

Happy Birthday Ari!

Happy Birthday Ari!

We made it to year 34. I know it’s been a struggle, but we are still here. I want to thank you for holding on even though it was not an easy thing to do. I want you to know that you are stronger than you think you are.

Here are some things we will work on this year:

  • We will live without limits
  • We will pour into ourselves every chance we can
  • We will be slow to quit
  • We will be a lighthouse to people who are in need
  • We will stop beating ourselves up
  • We will learn to love ourselves more
  • We will be willing to stand firm on the boundaries we set
  • We will keep ourselves safe
  • We will fight for our goals and dreams
  • We will not allow outside factors to impact our being
  • We will find our “why” again
  • We will hope more
  • We will not let our mental illness win
  • We will stand strong

Live! It’s My Depressive Thoughts!

Ugh!

Why are you so dumb?

Do better!

Can you do better?

No.

Go to sleep.

I am so tired.

Drained.

Loser!

All you want to do is sleep.

Have you done anything to earn sleep?

When will you be happy again?

Probably not.

Whatever.

I’m done being sad.

Oh well. Be sad.

Ugh!

Another day of feeling shitty.

Will this ever end?

No.

No one loves you.

Not even him.

Sad Again: A Letter to Sadness

Dear Sadness,

You are not needed. Why is it every time I want happiness, you come along and talk me out of it? What is it about seeing me being happy bothers you? Is it because you can’t keep me in my bed? Is it because you can’t keep me thinking my life is pointless? I have a good life. I have a family that loves me through all of my ups and downs, and it kills you. It kills you that I learn how to forgive and move forever. Well, I hate to tell you this, sweetheart, but I am not sorry for you not winning over my life. I know that one day I will see you again, but I will be ready for you. I know that I may weep during the night, but I will find happiness and joy again. Never will I let you keep me down as you have before. That is a promise I am willing to make to me.

Girl Bye,

Ari

Your Best is the Best

One affirmation that I love to use daily is, “I’m doing my best.” We can all benefit from this affirmation in our everyday life. Now you may be thinking, how can this affirmation help me? Well, let’s go ahead and dive in.

How often do we start something new, and once we see our progress, we begin to beat ourselves up? Please do not tell me I am the only one that does this. Why is that? Well, it is because we are our harshest critics. But we do not need to hard on ourselves. We are allowed to work on things without thinking it will be done right on the first try. We might not want to admit it, but we are not perfect (Ari, this goes for you, girl). We are not in a race with anyone but ourselves. So guess what? We can make as many mistakes, and wrong turns as we want. It is hard to believe it because we want things to fall in place the first time but trust me, the best; we are giving right now is worth a million gold medals. Trust the process.  Take the time to enjoy the work you are creating and watch the joy it will bring you.

Go to Sleep Girl: A Message to My Anxiety

Hey Anxiety,

I have some questions for you. For starters, do you know that it is 5 in the morning, and you have me up worrying again? Is it because you like picking with me, or do you really think that I like not having sleep? Please help me understand your role in this toxic relationship you have placed me in. I want to be able to sleep without taking a pill to shut you up. PLEASE LET ME SLEEP! I BEG YOU! We can talk when the sun comes up about whatever you have planned for us to do today. Just let me sleep, girl. I have something important to do, and I would like to be well-rested. Is that okay with you? Damn. You are so needy, and I cannot handle it anymore. I know we are stuck with each other but work with me, please.

Thanks,

Ari

Ode to Being Anxious

I want to share some things that make me anxious. Fun fact, I am currently anxious right now writing this blog, but I know this list could help others feel better about their anxieties. So without any more delay, here’s my list everyone.

I am anxious when:

-Things are out of my control

-After job interviews

-Meeting new people

-Dealing with a tough decision

-Being alone

-Waiting for an answer to a serious question

-When someone says they have something to tell you but have to wait until later to say something

-Telling people no

-Going to a party

-Driving

-Laying down in the dark

-I cannot understand why I am anxious

-I cannot get in touch with my mom or my husband

-Knowing that I have to go to the doctor

-Getting tests done

-Disagreeing with someone I love

-I do not eat

-I eat too much

-People looking at me when I walk into a room

-Running low on my meds

-Getting ready for therapy

-Thinking about death

-Going into stores

I know to some, these things may seem silly. But to people that deal with anxiety and depression, these things can cause you stress. Don’t feel bad if you are dealing with anything that makes you anxious. You are not alone; I am here with you. We will get through this together.

Are You Being Served?

I was thinking about what to write today since we are coming up to the end of the year, so let’s talk about letting go of things and people that do not serve us anymore. I know it is not a happy topic, but we need to talk about it before setting any new goals for 2021.

I am huge on friendships. I would stay in them even when I do not see them going anywhere. My anxiety would make me feel bad for ending relationships, and I would go back to that relationship, knowing nothing would change. This year as I look back on relationships that ended, I realized that holding on to a relationship to make the other person feel good does nothing for you. Is someone looking after you? If you cannot say yes to this question, it is a safe bet to say that your relationship is not serving you.

We cannot continue to live our lives for others. What does it do for us to give them our all and never get that in return? We have to remember that our means should be met in the relationships we have and if they are not met, we should feel no pressure to stay. I saw a video that said, “You do not have to set yourself on fire to keep others warm.” This means we should not burn ourselves out just to be with a person. We should not be the only ones giving our all to the relationship. Find a person that will be willing to give as well as receive.