What If

What if I made the wrong choice about my career?

What if I am not cut out for this degree?

 What if I am not as smart as my mother thinks I am?

What if I was the cause of my long-term friendships ending?

What if I don’t know how to communicate without getting in my feelings?

What if I cannot be the mother I desire to be?

What if I never find my hope again?

What if my mental illness is too much for my husband to take?

What if I never get out of my depressive thoughts?

What if…

I could say what if over and over, but the world will continue to turn. So instead of focusing on my “what ifs,” I will focus on my journey to a better, happier me.

The Late Text

*Phone chimes*

Depression: WYD?

Me: Nothing. Trying to sleep.

Depression: You’re lame for that.

Me: How am I lame?

Depression: Aren’t you sad?

Me: No.

Depression: SMH. Yes you are.

Me: No I am not! Stop saying that I am.

Depression: You’re sad AF. Just come clean.

Me: Bye.

Depression: You’re worthless.

Depression: No one wants you around.

Depression: Leave.

Me: Why are you doing this? Are you trying to make me cry?

*No reply*

*Phone chimes*

Depression: Are you sad yet? I’m trying to chill with you. What’s up?

Me. Leave me alone. I don’t want to deal with you.

Depression: What do you mean?

Me: I don’t like how you make me feel when we are together.

Depression: Don’t you like feeling like crap when I tell you people think so little of you?

Me: Wrong! I don’t like feeling like that.

Depression: But that’s what it is, though.

Depression: So… Can I come through?

Me: No. I don’t need you right now.

Depression: What?

Me: I don’t want to be with you Depression.

Depression: I am all you have.

Me: No you aren’t.

Depression: Since when?

Me: Since I started understanding that I am enough.

Depression: Whatever.

Depression: Stop lying to yourself and let me keep you company.

Me: I’m good Depression.

Depression: Excuse me?

Me: You’re excused. Now, if you don’t mind, I would like to get some rest.

*Blocks number*

What I Won’t Do

What I Won’t Do Is

  • I will not let people talk me out of my “No”
  • I will not put myself last because it makes other people uncomfortable
  • I will not listen to my inner critic
  • I will not stop reaching my goals
  • I will not let fear keep me from being my best self
  • I will not let what others say impact my decisions
  • I will not second guess myself
  • I will not say “no” to myself
  • I will not compete with anyone

Happy Birthday Ari!

Happy Birthday Ari!

We made it to year 34. I know it’s been a struggle, but we are still here. I want to thank you for holding on even though it was not an easy thing to do. I want you to know that you are stronger than you think you are.

Here are some things we will work on this year:

  • We will live without limits
  • We will pour into ourselves every chance we can
  • We will be slow to quit
  • We will be a lighthouse to people who are in need
  • We will stop beating ourselves up
  • We will learn to love ourselves more
  • We will be willing to stand firm on the boundaries we set
  • We will keep ourselves safe
  • We will fight for our goals and dreams
  • We will not allow outside factors to impact our being
  • We will find our “why” again
  • We will hope more
  • We will not let our mental illness win
  • We will stand strong

Missing Hope

Depression is back to sleep on my air mattress for the next few weeks rent-free. I missed him so much. NOT. I will be 34 on May 28th, and even though I have done some great things, I still feel as if I have done nothing. Like I thought by 34, I would be a mother, but it has not happened yet. And maybe I should focus on the “yet,” but he (Depression) will not let me see Hope. Hope is my dear friend. She keeps me going. Hope lets me know that everything will be fine if only I hold on to her. Depression does not like the hold Hope has on me. He would rather see me go days without showering or loving myself before he sees me with Hope. It is so unfair. I just want to see my friend again. I want to look at my water glass and see more water than I am used to seeing. Why is he keeping me from her? Depression, I just want you to ease up some. I feel like I am running on fumes.

This week I should be with Hope, but instead, I am listening to Depression telling me how I will have another horrible year. He is such a wonderful person to be around. Jerk.

Hope if you can hear me, just know that I love you and miss you so much. I will see you soon.

The Handshake

Working as a Director of a childcare center, I see many touching moments parents have with their children; but this particular moment brought my little Ari out to play. One of my school-age children’s dad visits her at the center when she is not over his house for the weekend. They talked and laughed for about 20 minutes, and when it was time for dad to leave, they get up from the bench and do a playful handshake. As an adult seeing their playful handshake, I thought it was so sweet and innocent. But little Ari grew sad and jealous because daddy never did anything like that with her. This daddy-daughter duo would do their handshake about three times out of the week. This dad would leave wherever work is to sit down and just laugh and talk to his daughter.  He could have called her on the phone, but no, he comes to the center to see her. My dad never did that. My dad never went out of his way to make me feel seen. The man (my dad) does have inside jokes with my sister, so I know that he has it in him. But I guess it was not for me to see that side of him. I want to say that I am not jealous of this young girl for having a great relationship with her dad. I love that this man is taking time out of his day to see his daughter without any rhyme or reason. I wish I had that connection with my dad, but I understand that it was not for me.

I have to learn to love my little Ari harder. She needs to hear daily that everything will be okay and that she is loved. I have to talk to her nicely. She deserves that from me her parent.

Little Ari, we will get through this together. Just hang on. I love you.

Sisters

I thought nothing could separate us. I thought I would be around to see your children grow up. What happened? When did we lose our bond? Our connection. We were good before 2020; what did I miss? It’s my fault that I didn’t work hard enough for us. Or maybe it was supposed to be this way. What did I miss? Why am I the only one that is still confused by this? What did I do? What was said? We are sisters! Well, we were sister would be the correct response, huh? I am still trying to find what is missing. Maybe it is not for me to figure that out. Maybe our moment has passed. I mean, we all are on different journeys, right? Perhaps we were only supposed to cross paths and then go off on our journeys, never to see each other again. If that is so, why do I feel like something is missing?

Maybe I was the only one in it. Maybe I forced it. Maybe I deserve to feel how I am feeling.

We are sisters! Well, we were sisters.

Crying Warrior

It’s been two months since being in this depressive episode. Instead of letting it get to me, I wanted to share some affirmations that I try to use when I am depressed. I hope if you are feeling depressed, these affirmations will make it easier.

-You will find your ‘why’ again

-Feel your feelings

-You are loved

-You are worthy

-You are not a failure

-With tears comes clarity

-I forgive myself

-I matter

-Love harder

-You will make it

-You are stronger with every tear

-You are not a crybaby

-Cry for as long as you need

-You will bounce back stronger than ever

-I am allowed to be in this moment

-My depression is not a life sentence

Live! It’s My Depressive Thoughts!

Ugh!

Why are you so dumb?

Do better!

Can you do better?

No.

Go to sleep.

I am so tired.

Drained.

Loser!

All you want to do is sleep.

Have you done anything to earn sleep?

When will you be happy again?

Probably not.

Whatever.

I’m done being sad.

Oh well. Be sad.

Ugh!

Another day of feeling shitty.

Will this ever end?

No.

No one loves you.

Not even him.

2020 Recap

Since we are closing out this year, I want to ask you some questions before entering 2021. I would like the readers of this post to answer at least one of the questions in the comments below. If it helps, write down the questions before answering them. Let’s make this post an interesting one.

-What was one thing you learned about yourself this year?

-What mistakes did you make in 2020?

-What successes did you have in 2020?

-What was your favorite memory of 2020?

-How would you describe this year?

-What is one thing you are leaving behind in 2020?

-What was your biggest challenge in 2020? How did you overcome it?

-If you could give 2020 a theme, what would it be and why?

-Are you ready for 2021? Why or why not?

I hope that 2021 brings nothing but happiness and enjoyment to every person that is reading this post. Allow 2021 to be the reset you need to jump-start everything you are trying to achieve. Happy New Year!