Crying Warrior

It’s been two months since being in this depressive episode. Instead of letting it get to me, I wanted to share some affirmations that I try to use when I am depressed. I hope if you are feeling depressed, these affirmations will make it easier.

-You will find your ‘why’ again

-Feel your feelings

-You are loved

-You are worthy

-You are not a failure

-With tears comes clarity

-I forgive myself

-I matter

-Love harder

-You will make it

-You are stronger with every tear

-You are not a crybaby

-Cry for as long as you need

-You will bounce back stronger than ever

-I am allowed to be in this moment

-My depression is not a life sentence

Live! It’s My Depressive Thoughts!

Ugh!

Why are you so dumb?

Do better!

Can you do better?

No.

Go to sleep.

I am so tired.

Drained.

Loser!

All you want to do is sleep.

Have you done anything to earn sleep?

When will you be happy again?

Probably not.

Whatever.

I’m done being sad.

Oh well. Be sad.

Ugh!

Another day of feeling shitty.

Will this ever end?

No.

No one loves you.

Not even him.

Go to Sleep Girl: A Message to My Anxiety

Hey Anxiety,

I have some questions for you. For starters, do you know that it is 5 in the morning, and you have me up worrying again? Is it because you like picking with me, or do you really think that I like not having sleep? Please help me understand your role in this toxic relationship you have placed me in. I want to be able to sleep without taking a pill to shut you up. PLEASE LET ME SLEEP! I BEG YOU! We can talk when the sun comes up about whatever you have planned for us to do today. Just let me sleep, girl. I have something important to do, and I would like to be well-rested. Is that okay with you? Damn. You are so needy, and I cannot handle it anymore. I know we are stuck with each other but work with me, please.

Thanks,

Ari

A Lesson From Mister Rogers

Mister Rogers is my childhood hero. Every morning I would get up and turn PBS on to watch what lesson he was teaching his neighbors. As an adult, I will go on YouTube and watch old episodes to see what takeaways I can get as a 33-year-old. I came across one of his songs called, ‘What Do You Do with The Mad That You Feel?’ This song helped me understand my life a little more as a woman with Bipolar Depression. In this song, Mister Rogers explains that we can just be in our feelings, or we can find ways to express our emotions so we can get through them.

A main reason why we keep our feelings to ourselves is that we are afraid to look weak. We think the moment we break down and begin to open up; people will immediately judge us and tell everyone that knows us how much we suck. But that is not true. Most of the time, when we let people that love us in, they are understanding and want to help us get out of whatever it is we are in. For the most part, our friends’ job is to hear us out and be the shoulder you need to let out those big feelings. But it takes us, the person that is hurting, to allow someone in. It can be challenging, but what are the other options; to keep your feelings bottled up until you eventually pop? That will never work.

Mister Rogers ends the song by saying:

And what a good feeling to feel like this,

And know that the feeling is really mine.

Know that there’s something deep inside

That helps us become what we can,

For a girl can be someday a woman

And a boy can be someday a man.

What we can take away from these lyrics is that the feelings we have are ours. We can allow them to control us or do whatever we need to do to get them out. I know firsthand that allowing the feelings to control me only made me feel worse. But once I started taking control of those feelings, I felt right with the world. Again, we are in charge of what we allow to go on within our minds. If you have to write the feelings away, do it. If you have to take a long shower and cry the feelings away, do it. Does working out help to get the feelings out? DO IT! Whatever it takes to help you gain control over them, just be like Nike and DO IT. It can only help you grow more as a person. We owe it to ourselves to find ways to live with the emotions that we have. It may take some time, but if you are willing to put in the work, I promise you friends, you will find it worthwhile.  

A Letter to Doubt

Hey Doubt,

I am writing to you to let you know that you have no place here with me. Yes, I know we have been friends for a while, but this relationship is not serving me. You keep me second-guessing my purpose and my gifts. You made me think that no one will ever see the good in me. Hell, you even made me think my husband didn’t want me. Doubt, you are no one’s friend and to think that I trusted you makes me upset. Please know that you are not wanted or needed anymore, and you can take all your negative thoughts that you gave me back. I never did and still do not require you in my life.

Sorry. Not sorry.

Ari

Dear 20 Something Ari

Hey Girl,

Right now, I am sure you are writing your fifth 10-year goals list, hoping that 30 never comes for you. Well, sis, it’s coming sooner than you think. But guess what? You do not have to have it all together before 30 comes. You are at a place where making mistakes should not drive you to think less of yourself, but the mistakes should be taken as lessons being taught to you. You are smart enough to reach any goal you set your mind to; just stop trying to focus on how quick that goal is achieved when it’s not the time for you yet. I know you see people you went to high school with having their degrees and starting new chapters for themselves, but understand you did not do anything wrong. We are not supposed to move the way we see others moving. That’s not how we were made. We were made to march differently and do so with ease.

Lastly, Ari, you are killing it! Just take your time and do not allow what you see others doing; keep you from being your true self. We have time, so take the time to enjoy the journey.

Love,

30 Something Ari

Take the Mask Off

Are we able to be our true selves wearing a mask? Will people be able to understand us when we are hiding behind something that is foreign? This video touches on how taking off our mask can help us in finding our freedom and true peace.
Music: Team Astro – Better, Together, Forever https://chll.to/95d04f90

A Letter to a Long-Lost Friend

Hi,

I know it has been a while since we have spoken. To tell you that it is hard not to reach out to you is a huge understatement. I want you to know that I am not mad at you. I want you to know that it was not your fault that we are not speaking. I just think that although we share great memories and love, we need to be a part. I don’t know how long it will be or if we will ever be how we once were. I play a role in this separation too. I know I push things more than allow things to happen when it is the right time. Forgive me for that. I mean no harm by it.

I want you to know that you are a person that I will love forever. You are very important to me, friend. There is nothing I would not do for you. I hope you still know that. You are family, and sometimes family gets distant. But the distance does not change the fact that you matter in my life. I hope when you read this that you are not bothered by this. I hope that no ill feelings are resurfaced. I want to know that this letter gave you time to reflect on great lasting memories.

I love you, friend, and no time apart will take the love I have for you away.

Love,

Ari

Thoughts of a Manic

I have been dealing with mania for about two weeks now. It could be longer, but my mind is all over the place that I thought yesterday was Tuesday. WRONG! This post has no real topic, just different ideas floating around in my head while I try to work on anything, or even when I try to hold a conversation with people. I hope that this helps anyone that is also suffering from manic episodes.

A rundown of my day:

7 AM:

Hey girl! Let’s start our day!

Do you know what you want to do today?

Let’s work on our business plan.

No, let’s read a little.

No, how about we look at our assignment for next week.

I wonder if they received my mail-in ballot.

What time is it?

Let’s workout.

You should call your mom and see how she’s doing before you start your day.

What time is it?

Why are we still laying down in bed?

What time is it?

GET UP, GIRL!

9 AM:

We should go for a walk around the neighborhood

Let’s play Animal Crossing

Our business plan is top on the list for things to do today

I wonder if Donta is busy at work.

Let’s go for that walk.

What’s the weather like?

Why am I on YouTube?

Go to the Weather App.

What is the name of that song by Drake you like?

Noon:

We still have a lot to do.

Why are we laying down?

No, don’t crash. We have stuff to do!

Ariel, you are so lazy!

We do not need sleep. We are rested!

Let’s check our emails.

What time is it?

Today is going too slow.

I need to do some research regarding my plan

I. WILL. NOT. LOSE.

I’LL SLEEP WHEN I DIE!!

7 PM:

What is he saying to me?

That debate was insane.

If I were debating, I would have wiped the floor up with both of them.

What time is it?

I think I need to do more research on this plan.

I might need to pull an all-nighter to get this assignment done.

What day is it?

What is this conversation about again?

Focus. Focus. FOCUS ARIEL!

I should get my nails done.

Focus. She’s talking to you.

Do I have enough money to last me until my next job starts?

Focus. What did she say?

Do I need more leggings?

Stop going on Facebook! You know it upsets you.

What day is it?

Focus on the conversation you are having with your friend!

She probably thinks we don’t like her because we aren’t responding.

What did she say?

Should I eat? I not sure if I am hungry.

Focus.

Midnight:

I hate that I am up by myself.

Let’s go on Twitter.

No, try to sleep.

No, let’s sit down at our desk and write.

Write what?

What time is it?

You did nothing all day.

I need to work on my next assignment.

He sleeps so peacefully. One day I will know that. NOT.

Should I eat something?

I wish I had an idea of where to go to get my plans off the ground.

Focus. Focus on the plan

I am a screwup.

No, I got this! I will make it!

There is no time to sleep. Just work!

Damn, you forgot to call again!

I think I am going to start a podcast.

NO! I’m going to keep up with blogging.

YOUTUBE FOR THE WIN!!

3:00 AM:

KEEP YOUR EYES OPEN

Is he breathing?

Good, I can hear him!

What time is it?

Play one more game!

I hate that he’s asleep.

Google…

I finally allow myself to go to sleep, but my mind is fighting me all the way.

I hope that sharing this moment with you will help you seek help if you are dealing with racing thoughts. Finding someone that you can work with to assist you in navigating through the rough patches. I know that that rush of mania can be intoxicating, but what goes up must come down.

6 Weeks of Depression

The best part about having Bipolar II Disorder is being depressed. *Cue the sarcastic grin*

Depression is like the Groundhog seeing its shadow and running back into its hole. You do not want to do ANYTHING! If you could stay in your den, you would be fine. What makes me upset about being in a depressive state, I cannot seem to find a break. It is as if someone is sitting in a control room in my mind, finding the most peeving things to set me off and make me never want to leave the house again. But what can I do? Nothing, I suppose, but it is not from a lack of trying. Winter it is.

Ariel, now you know you cannot leave this blog like this. Where is the brighter side of things? How can we defrost? I mean, we have to say something uplifting girl. Okay, let me turn things around.

We can change our season. When you feel like you are in your 6 weeks of Winter, understand that it will not last forever. Yes, I know it is cold right now, but we will warm up. We have to give ourselves grace when we are feeling sad or depressed, and not allow guilt to make us think that it is wrong to feel down. Weeping may endure for a while, but if you can change your perspective, you can turn your mood around.

So, continue to bundle up, we will soon see spring again.