A Letter to Doubt

Hey Doubt,

I am writing to you to let you know that you have no place here with me. Yes, I know we have been friends for a while, but this relationship is not serving me. You keep me second-guessing my purpose and my gifts. You made me think that no one will ever see the good in me. Hell, you even made me think my husband didn’t want me. Doubt, you are no one’s friend and to think that I trusted you makes me upset. Please know that you are not wanted or needed anymore, and you can take all your negative thoughts that you gave me back. I never did and still do not require you in my life.

Sorry. Not sorry.

Ari

Dear 20 Something Ari

Hey Girl,

Right now, I am sure you are writing your fifth 10-year goals list, hoping that 30 never comes for you. Well, sis, it’s coming sooner than you think. But guess what? You do not have to have it all together before 30 comes. You are at a place where making mistakes should not drive you to think less of yourself, but the mistakes should be taken as lessons being taught to you. You are smart enough to reach any goal you set your mind to; just stop trying to focus on how quick that goal is achieved when it’s not the time for you yet. I know you see people you went to high school with having their degrees and starting new chapters for themselves, but understand you did not do anything wrong. We are not supposed to move the way we see others moving. That’s not how we were made. We were made to march differently and do so with ease.

Lastly, Ari, you are killing it! Just take your time and do not allow what you see others doing; keep you from being your true self. We have time, so take the time to enjoy the journey.

Love,

30 Something Ari

Take the Mask Off

Are we able to be our true selves wearing a mask? Will people be able to understand us when we are hiding behind something that is foreign? This video touches on how taking off our mask can help us in finding our freedom and true peace.
Music: Team Astro – Better, Together, Forever https://chll.to/95d04f90

A Letter to a Long-Lost Friend

Hi,

I know it has been a while since we have spoken. To tell you that it is hard not to reach out to you is a huge understatement. I want you to know that I am not mad at you. I want you to know that it was not your fault that we are not speaking. I just think that although we share great memories and love, we need to be a part. I don’t know how long it will be or if we will ever be how we once were. I play a role in this separation too. I know I push things more than allow things to happen when it is the right time. Forgive me for that. I mean no harm by it.

I want you to know that you are a person that I will love forever. You are very important to me, friend. There is nothing I would not do for you. I hope you still know that. You are family, and sometimes family gets distant. But the distance does not change the fact that you matter in my life. I hope when you read this that you are not bothered by this. I hope that no ill feelings are resurfaced. I want to know that this letter gave you time to reflect on great lasting memories.

I love you, friend, and no time apart will take the love I have for you away.

Love,

Ari

Thoughts of a Manic

I have been dealing with mania for about two weeks now. It could be longer, but my mind is all over the place that I thought yesterday was Tuesday. WRONG! This post has no real topic, just different ideas floating around in my head while I try to work on anything, or even when I try to hold a conversation with people. I hope that this helps anyone that is also suffering from manic episodes.

A rundown of my day:

7 AM:

Hey girl! Let’s start our day!

Do you know what you want to do today?

Let’s work on our business plan.

No, let’s read a little.

No, how about we look at our assignment for next week.

I wonder if they received my mail-in ballot.

What time is it?

Let’s workout.

You should call your mom and see how she’s doing before you start your day.

What time is it?

Why are we still laying down in bed?

What time is it?

GET UP, GIRL!

9 AM:

We should go for a walk around the neighborhood

Let’s play Animal Crossing

Our business plan is top on the list for things to do today

I wonder if Donta is busy at work.

Let’s go for that walk.

What’s the weather like?

Why am I on YouTube?

Go to the Weather App.

What is the name of that song by Drake you like?

Noon:

We still have a lot to do.

Why are we laying down?

No, don’t crash. We have stuff to do!

Ariel, you are so lazy!

We do not need sleep. We are rested!

Let’s check our emails.

What time is it?

Today is going too slow.

I need to do some research regarding my plan

I. WILL. NOT. LOSE.

I’LL SLEEP WHEN I DIE!!

7 PM:

What is he saying to me?

That debate was insane.

If I were debating, I would have wiped the floor up with both of them.

What time is it?

I think I need to do more research on this plan.

I might need to pull an all-nighter to get this assignment done.

What day is it?

What is this conversation about again?

Focus. Focus. FOCUS ARIEL!

I should get my nails done.

Focus. She’s talking to you.

Do I have enough money to last me until my next job starts?

Focus. What did she say?

Do I need more leggings?

Stop going on Facebook! You know it upsets you.

What day is it?

Focus on the conversation you are having with your friend!

She probably thinks we don’t like her because we aren’t responding.

What did she say?

Should I eat? I not sure if I am hungry.

Focus.

Midnight:

I hate that I am up by myself.

Let’s go on Twitter.

No, try to sleep.

No, let’s sit down at our desk and write.

Write what?

What time is it?

You did nothing all day.

I need to work on my next assignment.

He sleeps so peacefully. One day I will know that. NOT.

Should I eat something?

I wish I had an idea of where to go to get my plans off the ground.

Focus. Focus on the plan

I am a screwup.

No, I got this! I will make it!

There is no time to sleep. Just work!

Damn, you forgot to call again!

I think I am going to start a podcast.

NO! I’m going to keep up with blogging.

YOUTUBE FOR THE WIN!!

3:00 AM:

KEEP YOUR EYES OPEN

Is he breathing?

Good, I can hear him!

What time is it?

Play one more game!

I hate that he’s asleep.

Google…

I finally allow myself to go to sleep, but my mind is fighting me all the way.

I hope that sharing this moment with you will help you seek help if you are dealing with racing thoughts. Finding someone that you can work with to assist you in navigating through the rough patches. I know that that rush of mania can be intoxicating, but what goes up must come down.

6 Weeks of Depression

The best part about having Bipolar II Disorder is being depressed. *Cue the sarcastic grin*

Depression is like the Groundhog seeing its shadow and running back into its hole. You do not want to do ANYTHING! If you could stay in your den, you would be fine. What makes me upset about being in a depressive state, I cannot seem to find a break. It is as if someone is sitting in a control room in my mind, finding the most peeving things to set me off and make me never want to leave the house again. But what can I do? Nothing, I suppose, but it is not from a lack of trying. Winter it is.

Ariel, now you know you cannot leave this blog like this. Where is the brighter side of things? How can we defrost? I mean, we have to say something uplifting girl. Okay, let me turn things around.

We can change our season. When you feel like you are in your 6 weeks of Winter, understand that it will not last forever. Yes, I know it is cold right now, but we will warm up. We have to give ourselves grace when we are feeling sad or depressed, and not allow guilt to make us think that it is wrong to feel down. Weeping may endure for a while, but if you can change your perspective, you can turn your mood around.

So, continue to bundle up, we will soon see spring again.

Escaping the Manic Monster

I just watched the video of Kanye West at his campaign event in South Carolina, and all I can do is cry. Not because I have love for him as an artist, or because he’s black like I am, but because I suffer from the Manic Monster within me as he does. Just like Kanye West, I have Bipolar Disorder, and the Manic Monster does not care who you are or what kind of money you have if it wants you, it will take hold of you.

Before I knew that I had Bipolar Disorder, I would catch myself doing a lot of rants as Kayne West does. There was never a real rhyme or reason for them; I would just keep going and going until I would tire myself out. One day, I cussed my husband out for an hour straight about how he does not understand that when he does not tell me when he is leaving one place to another with his friends, it will make me think that my husband is dead and I would not know how to find him. I could see the look of concern on his face as I began to cry and yell about the level of love I have for him, and if he loved me on that same level, he would not make me think that he is dead. The Manic Monster inside me had control over me, and I could not fight him off. It was only until my Psych Nurse let me know that I was Bipolar that I could figure out a way to fight back.

I want you to understand that a person who has this mental illness cannot help it when the Manic Monster comes to get them until that person is willing to find help from a mental health professional to fight against it. Kanye West needs help. He does not need a room full of people to encourage him to keep this energy up, or people to say how crazy he is. He needs someone willing to help him understand that it is okay to seek the help he needs. Kanye is in the dungeon of the Manic Monster, and if he wants to get out of there, he will have to fight his way out. Until then, I will pray for him. He needs it.

Dealing With Bipolar

Dealing with a mental illness like Bipolar Disorder is like flipping a coin, you never know what you will land on until the coin hits the ground. One week you are on cloud nine talking a 100 miles per second, and the next week you do not want to get out of the bed to take a shower. It has been about 6 months since I found out that I have Bipolar Disorder. Here is my story.

“Justin, I do not know what is wrong with me,” I cried to my Psych Nurse. “I have had these weird mood changes.” Justin looked at me with concern in his eyes. See, we thought that my agitation was coming from my anxiety, but from the look he was giving me, I could tell it was much deeper than that. “Well, tell me about them, Ariel,” Said Justin.

I began to tell him about a time that I was watching a video on Facebook that was something political. I stood in the middle of the living room, ranting for about an hour while my husband Donta set back with surprise. I did not even know how long it had been until Donta told me. I told him that it was important and that he needed to listen to it. I yelled, “Our freedom is not something we can sweep under the rug.” So, my husband, being the supportive man he is, continue to listen until I tired myself out. This was not even the first time I have held my husband captive by my many rant sessions. Then I told Justin of a time where Donta and I disagreed about something little. When Donta said to me that he did not want to fuss about something so minor, I ran to our room and cried for three hours. It was nothing I could do to stop it. Even when Donta came into the room to hug me and tell me everything will be fine, I still kept crying. That crying spell lasts for a week. I was like a weeklong rainstorm; nothing could get my tears to dry up.

“Well, I know what the problem is,” Justin said reassuringly. “You are Bipolar.” “Bipolar?” I questioned Justin as if he was not the one with years of experience in treating mental illness. “I am so damaged.” “No, you aren’t,” Said Justin. “Your mind just handles things differently from others.” After we talked about the medicine that I would be taking, I walked out of his office with a little clarity. I was afraid, but I knew that I would be okay if I kept myself knowledgeable about my disorder and set my appointments with my Therapist.

If you feel like your world is spinning out of control, do not deal with it alone. Seek help from someone that can provide you with the tools and treatment to get you on track to handling your mental health. Do not think because you have a mental illness that you are broken; you are not. You are strong and built to handle your mental illness. Keep your head up and continue to live in the moment.

#Bipolardisorderawareness