It’s been two months since being in this depressive episode. Instead of letting it get to me, I wanted to share some affirmations that I try to use when I am depressed. I hope if you are feeling depressed, these affirmations will make it easier.
-You will find your ‘why’ again
-Feel your feelings
-You are loved
-You are worthy
-You are not a failure
-With tears comes clarity
-I forgive myself
-You will make it
-You are stronger with every tear
-You are not a crybaby
-Cry for as long as you need
-You will bounce back stronger than ever
-I am allowed to be in this moment
-My depression is not a life sentence
Why are you so dumb?
Can you do better?
Go to sleep.
I am so tired.
All you want to do is sleep.
Have you done anything to earn sleep?
When will you be happy again?
I’m done being sad.
Oh well. Be sad.
Another day of feeling shitty.
Will this ever end?
No one loves you.
Not even him.
You are not needed. Why is it every time I want happiness, you come along and talk me out of it? What is it about seeing me being happy bothers you? Is it because you can’t keep me in my bed? Is it because you can’t keep me thinking my life is pointless? I have a good life. I have a family that loves me through all of my ups and downs, and it kills you. It kills you that I learn how to forgive and move forever. Well, I hate to tell you this, sweetheart, but I am not sorry for you not winning over my life. I know that one day I will see you again, but I will be ready for you. I know that I may weep during the night, but I will find happiness and joy again. Never will I let you keep me down as you have before. That is a promise I am willing to make to me.
I have some questions for you. For starters, do you know that it is 5 in the morning, and you have me up worrying again? Is it because you like picking with me, or do you really think that I like not having sleep? Please help me understand your role in this toxic relationship you have placed me in. I want to be able to sleep without taking a pill to shut you up. PLEASE LET ME SLEEP! I BEG YOU! We can talk when the sun comes up about whatever you have planned for us to do today. Just let me sleep, girl. I have something important to do, and I would like to be well-rested. Is that okay with you? Damn. You are so needy, and I cannot handle it anymore. I know we are stuck with each other but work with me, please.
I want to share some things that make me anxious. Fun fact, I am currently anxious right now writing this blog, but I know this list could help others feel better about their anxieties. So without any more delay, here’s my list everyone.
I am anxious when:
-Things are out of my control
-After job interviews
-Meeting new people
-Dealing with a tough decision
-Waiting for an answer to a serious question
-When someone says they have something to tell you but have to wait until later to say something
-Telling people no
-Going to a party
-Laying down in the dark
-I cannot understand why I am anxious
-I cannot get in touch with my mom or my husband
-Knowing that I have to go to the doctor
-Getting tests done
-Disagreeing with someone I love
-I do not eat
-I eat too much
-People looking at me when I walk into a room
-Running low on my meds
-Getting ready for therapy
-Thinking about death
-Going into stores
I know to some, these things may seem silly. But to people that deal with anxiety and depression, these things can cause you stress. Don’t feel bad if you are dealing with anything that makes you anxious. You are not alone; I am here with you. We will get through this together.
Today is another day I let depression and anxiety sleepover in my brain. This time they brought with them a list of things that scare me. Here goes nothing.
I am scared of change. The funny thing is, I am a Gemini, and change is something that we should enjoy. That’s why you can’t trust the signs. Not at all.
I am scared of not being in control. I hate having to leave the decision making to someone or something else (I am a Type-A personality if you couldn’t tell).
I am scared of being a failure. I am so scared of failing; I will work myself to the point of wanting to pass out. Well, at least I didn’t fail, huh (that may be a fail, though).
I am scared of being by myself. To know that I have people on my side means the world to me, and to ever lose that, I don’t know what I would do. Also, don’t tell me that I was born alone; that doesn’t help me stop feeling alone and afraid.
Lastly, I am scared of letting people in. I love hard. If I say I am riding for you, I’m riding until the wheels fall off. With this mindset, I have seen myself giving my all to someone who will never show up for me. It’s safe to say if I leave my walls up, I can save myself from the fear.
My therapist said that it’s okay to be scared, but you have to find the willingness to push through. This means you can be scared AND still come out of that situation as the winner. I am working daily to fight through what scares me; if you are afraid of it, just take my hand. We will make it through together. It may be scary, but it will not defeat us.
I am writing to you to let you know that you have no place here with me. Yes, I know we have been friends for a while, but this relationship is not serving me. You keep me second-guessing my purpose and my gifts. You made me think that no one will ever see the good in me. Hell, you even made me think my husband didn’t want me. Doubt, you are no one’s friend and to think that I trusted you makes me upset. Please know that you are not wanted or needed anymore, and you can take all your negative thoughts that you gave me back. I never did and still do not require you in my life.
Sorry. Not sorry.
2020 has taught me two things: One, if people do not want to be bothered with you, leave them alone, and second, people love saying they respect you in your face, but when they get the chance, they will take digs at you. For 2021, I made a mantra for myself, and if you feel that something I wrote can help you, feel free to use it.
I will live with purpose
I will learn to trust my gut
Being alone does not make you lonely
I will only give from my overflow
Taking time for myself is NOT being selfish
I do not need to convince people of my worth
I will not cheat myself out of the journey
I will not place myself in a relationship that does not serve me
I will not compare myself to anyone
I am love
I am strength
I will be successful
Writing this list was hard for me because worrying has become like second nature to me. Hopefully, by writing this list, I can help not only myself with worrying but help whoever reads this.
Stop worrying about things that are outside of your control. You can only handle what you can touch.
Stop worrying about people’s approval of you. You are entitled to make decisions for yourself without someone telling you that your choices are okay to them.
Stop worrying about the “what ifs.” When you allow yourself to focus on what may or could happen, you slow down getting to your goal.
Stop worrying about the future. It is your job to enjoy the time that you have right now. Tomorrow is not promised.
Stop worrying about how to fix other’s problems. When you take on someone’s problems, they began to become yours that you will never be able to fix. Your job is to focus on what you need to fix for you.
Stop worrying about being perfect. Sweetheart, we will never be perfect. But what we can be is our best while embracing our flaws.
Stop worrying about if you are where you should be. It is not about getting to a place at a specific time, but the lessons you learned on the way to that place.
Stop worrying about money. Your needs will be met. Trust the timing.
Stop worrying about issues from your past. You are not your past. You cannot change what has already happened, but you can grow from it.
Stop worrying about change. How will you grow and progress without changing? Changes bring on new chances at winning.
When I am depressed, I find myself pulling away from people that I usually like being around. Most people have told me that if you are alone when you are dealing with something, it will only make you feel worst. That’s not always true. I know for me, being alone helps me handle whatever issues I might be dealing with at that moment. See, I still want to be viewed as the one who has her stuff together. Being anything less than that will not work for me. I want to make sure I am okay before I spread any negative energy around people I love. I also chose to be alone because it helps me get my feelings in order and ease the anxiety monster hiding under my bed. The more people I am around when I am depressed, the more likely she (anxiety) will show that cute little face of hers (I kid, she’s a mess, but you didn’t get that from me), so alone I stay until I am out of my depression. I need that alone time to get me together, so I know how to face whatever this life has in store for me the next day. If you are like me and need that time away from people, take it. Do not respond to people who say that you are funny when you decide to be alone. Only you know what you need to get over your depression. Your peace is what matters the most. Choose peace over anything else. Trust me, and it is worth it.
Being alone has a power that very few people can handle.Steven Aitchison