What If

What if I made the wrong choice about my career?

What if I am not cut out for this degree?

 What if I am not as smart as my mother thinks I am?

What if I was the cause of my long-term friendships ending?

What if I don’t know how to communicate without getting in my feelings?

What if I cannot be the mother I desire to be?

What if I never find my hope again?

What if my mental illness is too much for my husband to take?

What if I never get out of my depressive thoughts?

What if…

I could say what if over and over, but the world will continue to turn. So instead of focusing on my “what ifs,” I will focus on my journey to a better, happier me.

The Late Text

*Phone chimes*

Depression: WYD?

Me: Nothing. Trying to sleep.

Depression: You’re lame for that.

Me: How am I lame?

Depression: Aren’t you sad?

Me: No.

Depression: SMH. Yes you are.

Me: No I am not! Stop saying that I am.

Depression: You’re sad AF. Just come clean.

Me: Bye.

Depression: You’re worthless.

Depression: No one wants you around.

Depression: Leave.

Me: Why are you doing this? Are you trying to make me cry?

*No reply*

*Phone chimes*

Depression: Are you sad yet? I’m trying to chill with you. What’s up?

Me. Leave me alone. I don’t want to deal with you.

Depression: What do you mean?

Me: I don’t like how you make me feel when we are together.

Depression: Don’t you like feeling like crap when I tell you people think so little of you?

Me: Wrong! I don’t like feeling like that.

Depression: But that’s what it is, though.

Depression: So… Can I come through?

Me: No. I don’t need you right now.

Depression: What?

Me: I don’t want to be with you Depression.

Depression: I am all you have.

Me: No you aren’t.

Depression: Since when?

Me: Since I started understanding that I am enough.

Depression: Whatever.

Depression: Stop lying to yourself and let me keep you company.

Me: I’m good Depression.

Depression: Excuse me?

Me: You’re excused. Now, if you don’t mind, I would like to get some rest.

*Blocks number*

Missing Hope

Depression is back to sleep on my air mattress for the next few weeks rent-free. I missed him so much. NOT. I will be 34 on May 28th, and even though I have done some great things, I still feel as if I have done nothing. Like I thought by 34, I would be a mother, but it has not happened yet. And maybe I should focus on the “yet,” but he (Depression) will not let me see Hope. Hope is my dear friend. She keeps me going. Hope lets me know that everything will be fine if only I hold on to her. Depression does not like the hold Hope has on me. He would rather see me go days without showering or loving myself before he sees me with Hope. It is so unfair. I just want to see my friend again. I want to look at my water glass and see more water than I am used to seeing. Why is he keeping me from her? Depression, I just want you to ease up some. I feel like I am running on fumes.

This week I should be with Hope, but instead, I am listening to Depression telling me how I will have another horrible year. He is such a wonderful person to be around. Jerk.

Hope if you can hear me, just know that I love you and miss you so much. I will see you soon.

Crying Warrior

It’s been two months since being in this depressive episode. Instead of letting it get to me, I wanted to share some affirmations that I try to use when I am depressed. I hope if you are feeling depressed, these affirmations will make it easier.

-You will find your ‘why’ again

-Feel your feelings

-You are loved

-You are worthy

-You are not a failure

-With tears comes clarity

-I forgive myself

-I matter

-Love harder

-You will make it

-You are stronger with every tear

-You are not a crybaby

-Cry for as long as you need

-You will bounce back stronger than ever

-I am allowed to be in this moment

-My depression is not a life sentence

Live! It’s My Depressive Thoughts!

Ugh!

Why are you so dumb?

Do better!

Can you do better?

No.

Go to sleep.

I am so tired.

Drained.

Loser!

All you want to do is sleep.

Have you done anything to earn sleep?

When will you be happy again?

Probably not.

Whatever.

I’m done being sad.

Oh well. Be sad.

Ugh!

Another day of feeling shitty.

Will this ever end?

No.

No one loves you.

Not even him.

Sad Again: A Letter to Sadness

Dear Sadness,

You are not needed. Why is it every time I want happiness, you come along and talk me out of it? What is it about seeing me being happy bothers you? Is it because you can’t keep me in my bed? Is it because you can’t keep me thinking my life is pointless? I have a good life. I have a family that loves me through all of my ups and downs, and it kills you. It kills you that I learn how to forgive and move forever. Well, I hate to tell you this, sweetheart, but I am not sorry for you not winning over my life. I know that one day I will see you again, but I will be ready for you. I know that I may weep during the night, but I will find happiness and joy again. Never will I let you keep me down as you have before. That is a promise I am willing to make to me.

Girl Bye,

Ari

Ode to Being Anxious

I want to share some things that make me anxious. Fun fact, I am currently anxious right now writing this blog, but I know this list could help others feel better about their anxieties. So without any more delay, here’s my list everyone.

I am anxious when:

-Things are out of my control

-After job interviews

-Meeting new people

-Dealing with a tough decision

-Being alone

-Waiting for an answer to a serious question

-When someone says they have something to tell you but have to wait until later to say something

-Telling people no

-Going to a party

-Driving

-Laying down in the dark

-I cannot understand why I am anxious

-I cannot get in touch with my mom or my husband

-Knowing that I have to go to the doctor

-Getting tests done

-Disagreeing with someone I love

-I do not eat

-I eat too much

-People looking at me when I walk into a room

-Running low on my meds

-Getting ready for therapy

-Thinking about death

-Going into stores

I know to some, these things may seem silly. But to people that deal with anxiety and depression, these things can cause you stress. Don’t feel bad if you are dealing with anything that makes you anxious. You are not alone; I am here with you. We will get through this together.

Ari’s Scared

Today is another day I let depression and anxiety sleepover in my brain. This time they brought with them a list of things that scare me. Here goes nothing.

I am scared of change. The funny thing is, I am a Gemini, and change is something that we should enjoy. That’s why you can’t trust the signs. Not at all.

I am scared of not being in control. I hate having to leave the decision making to someone or something else (I am a Type-A personality if you couldn’t tell).  

I am scared of being a failure. I am so scared of failing; I will work myself to the point of wanting to pass out. Well, at least I didn’t fail, huh (that may be a fail, though).

I am scared of being by myself. To know that I have people on my side means the world to me, and to ever lose that, I don’t know what I would do. Also, don’t tell me that I was born alone; that doesn’t help me stop feeling alone and afraid.

Lastly, I am scared of letting people in. I love hard. If I say I am riding for you, I’m riding until the wheels fall off. With this mindset, I have seen myself giving my all to someone who will never show up for me. It’s safe to say if I leave my walls up, I can save myself from the fear.

My therapist said that it’s okay to be scared, but you have to find the willingness to push through. This means you can be scared AND still come out of that situation as the winner. I am working daily to fight through what scares me; if you are afraid of it, just take my hand. We will make it through together. It may be scary, but it will not defeat us.

Forgiveness

Ari,

I am sorry that I have been hard on you. I did not realize how pushing you to pass your limits would make you cry. You are smart, and doubting you were the worst thing I could do to you. You do not deserve to hear the harsh words I say to you. You do not deserve to be beaten down for making small mistakes. I understand that making mistakes only helps you grow and reach your goals. I am sorry for making you think there is a right or wrong way to get to your dreams. You are allowed to march to a different beat from others. I get it now, Ari. I get that I hurt you, and that was not fair to you. You were born to live a life that fits you, not you trying to fit a life that was not designed for you to wear.

Please forgive me, Ari.

I did not know any better, but I am willing to sit back and trust the process that has been made for you.

I love you Ari, and I am willing to do what it takes to love you every day.

Words of Encouragement to Self

Hi Ari,

I know that the last two months have been tough for you but know that we will get through it. We don’t have to be perfect. We are fine the way we are. I know you feel that we should be on at all times; however, we are not a performer. We deserve to take breaks and try again later. We have to be patient with ourselves. We are not in a race with anyone. We can take our time until it is our time. We are loved and respected regardless if we make our goal today or two weeks from now. Ari, we have to stop being hard on ourselves and love ourselves harder. We will be okay. We are everything we need right and more. We do not lack for anything. We have our whole life to get to our calling. Don’t rush the small victories to see the main prize.

WE ARE LOVED ARI. Please remember that.