Ari’s Scared

Today is another day I let depression and anxiety sleepover in my brain. This time they brought with them a list of things that scare me. Here goes nothing.

I am scared of change. The funny thing is, I am a Gemini, and change is something that we should enjoy. That’s why you can’t trust the signs. Not at all.

I am scared of not being in control. I hate having to leave the decision making to someone or something else (I am a Type-A personality if you couldn’t tell).  

I am scared of being a failure. I am so scared of failing; I will work myself to the point of wanting to pass out. Well, at least I didn’t fail, huh (that may be a fail, though).

I am scared of being by myself. To know that I have people on my side means the world to me, and to ever lose that, I don’t know what I would do. Also, don’t tell me that I was born alone; that doesn’t help me stop feeling alone and afraid.

Lastly, I am scared of letting people in. I love hard. If I say I am riding for you, I’m riding until the wheels fall off. With this mindset, I have seen myself giving my all to someone who will never show up for me. It’s safe to say if I leave my walls up, I can save myself from the fear.

My therapist said that it’s okay to be scared, but you have to find the willingness to push through. This means you can be scared AND still come out of that situation as the winner. I am working daily to fight through what scares me; if you are afraid of it, just take my hand. We will make it through together. It may be scary, but it will not defeat us.

A Childless Woman on Mother’s Day

I’ve always wanted to be a mother. Ever since I’ve received my first stroller and doll, I knew that I was going to be a mother. Well, as of right now, I am not a mother, and I am becoming very defeated. I have cried every Mother’s Day since I’ve been married. I cry because although I am happy for my friends and family that are mothers, I wish that I could experience the same joy.

Since November, my husband and I have been actively trying to have a baby. I went to my Gynecologist, and he gave me so much hope. He ran tests and checked my eggs. He told me when to try and what medications will increase my chance. But every month, nothing. My mind keeps telling me that I am less than a woman because I cannot get pregnant. I cry every time I see a pregnancy announcement or new birth. When will it be me? I must have done something in my past that has caused me not to be able to become pregnant. But what is it? I want to be able to right this wrong. I look at a baby or a child and immediately wish I had a child to love. My friends tell me that my time is coming, but I do not see it. Maybe it was not meant to be. Everyone cannot be mothers, I guess.

I am trying to remain positive, but it gets harder every day to find that spirit. I know I should not beat myself up, but I cannot help it. The only thing I can do is continue to pray that one day I am blessed to have a little one call me mama. For right now, I can be happy that I am someone’s Aunt and godmother. Hopefully, my dream will come true. It has to come true.

Embracing Failure

Raise your hand if you like failing. No one. Okay. What if I told you that failing should be viewed in a positive light? Please do not click out of this post! Just listen to why I say that we should see failure as a good thing.

I read this article in Psychology Today by Dr. Art Markman called ‘People Don’t Share Their Failures Often Enough.’ In his article, he talks about a trial that was done with participants being asked to play a game. The game had three boxes, one box had a 1 penny loss, the second one had a 20-cent gain, and the third had an 80-cent gain. Each participant had two tries at choosing a box. On the first try, most of the participants received the 1 penny loss, then do their second try; they received the gain. The second part of this trial was for participants to share their experience with the game. What the researchers noticed was that the participants would only tell about their gain and not their loss. The funny thing is participants were given an incentive to help each other. However, they still would not share their loss.

So how does this apply to us? We tend to focus on what people will think when it comes to wins and losses. We rather look good in the eyes of other people instead of being true to ourselves and let people see when we fail. We also think that failing at something is to fail at life altogether. That is not true. We cannot have highs without going through some lows. We can look at many famous people from the past as well as the present that had no problem letting the public know how many tries they had to take before they became famous. So why can’t we do the same? Have you ever thought that by sharing your misses, you can help someone step out of their comfort zone? We need to understand that we all will have some failures, but it is how we bounce back that matters most. Do not beat up on yourself because of your failures, use it as a lesson, a blueprint if you will, to get you to the finish line. I know it can be easier said than done, but if we can work each day on taking our lost as an opportunity to grow, we will be better in the long run. Hold your head up high and keep trying until you reach the top. Your failure is only a stepping stone for something greater.