Today is another day I let depression and anxiety sleepover in my brain. This time they brought with them a list of things that scare me. Here goes nothing.
I am scared of change. The funny thing is, I am a Gemini, and change is something that we should enjoy. That’s why you can’t trust the signs. Not at all.
I am scared of not being in control. I hate having to leave the decision making to someone or something else (I am a Type-A personality if you couldn’t tell).
I am scared of being a failure. I am so scared of failing; I will work myself to the point of wanting to pass out. Well, at least I didn’t fail, huh (that may be a fail, though).
I am scared of being by myself. To know that I have people on my side means the world to me, and to ever lose that, I don’t know what I would do. Also, don’t tell me that I was born alone; that doesn’t help me stop feeling alone and afraid.
Lastly, I am scared of letting people in. I love hard. If I say I am riding for you, I’m riding until the wheels fall off. With this mindset, I have seen myself giving my all to someone who will never show up for me. It’s safe to say if I leave my walls up, I can save myself from the fear.
My therapist said that it’s okay to be scared, but you have to find the willingness to push through. This means you can be scared AND still come out of that situation as the winner. I am working daily to fight through what scares me; if you are afraid of it, just take my hand. We will make it through together. It may be scary, but it will not defeat us.
I am writing to you to let you know that you have no place here with me. Yes, I know we have been friends for a while, but this relationship is not serving me. You keep me second-guessing my purpose and my gifts. You made me think that no one will ever see the good in me. Hell, you even made me think my husband didn’t want me. Doubt, you are no one’s friend and to think that I trusted you makes me upset. Please know that you are not wanted or needed anymore, and you can take all your negative thoughts that you gave me back. I never did and still do not require you in my life.
Sorry. Not sorry.
“Ariel is going to school for her Doctoral Degree!” “Ariel is a Director at a childcare center.” These are the statements that my mom makes to people about me on a day-to-day occurrence. I always tell her to stop telling people all of that stuff, but she would just roll her eyes and continue her “Ariel is the best” Parade. I do not feel that I am as smart as my mom and other people think that I am. I feel that I do enough to get by. Man, my therapist would be so upset with what I am saying about myself. But that is how I feel. I feel that I need to push myself harder to be what people think that I am. Ugh! Anxiety, you are such a jerk for making me think like this.
Maybe I need just to take what people are saying to me as encouragement. Perhaps I should stop being so hard on myself. I have to get out of the way and do the best I can. I do not have to be perfect to get things done. I do not have be a genius for people to give me praise. My mom is not saying I am smart because she’s my mom; she’s saying this because she believes in me.
Now the question is, Ariel, will you believe in yourself, or will you allow your anxieties to beat you down?