Ari’s Scared

Today is another day I let depression and anxiety sleepover in my brain. This time they brought with them a list of things that scare me. Here goes nothing.

I am scared of change. The funny thing is, I am a Gemini, and change is something that we should enjoy. That’s why you can’t trust the signs. Not at all.

I am scared of not being in control. I hate having to leave the decision making to someone or something else (I am a Type-A personality if you couldn’t tell).  

I am scared of being a failure. I am so scared of failing; I will work myself to the point of wanting to pass out. Well, at least I didn’t fail, huh (that may be a fail, though).

I am scared of being by myself. To know that I have people on my side means the world to me, and to ever lose that, I don’t know what I would do. Also, don’t tell me that I was born alone; that doesn’t help me stop feeling alone and afraid.

Lastly, I am scared of letting people in. I love hard. If I say I am riding for you, I’m riding until the wheels fall off. With this mindset, I have seen myself giving my all to someone who will never show up for me. It’s safe to say if I leave my walls up, I can save myself from the fear.

My therapist said that it’s okay to be scared, but you have to find the willingness to push through. This means you can be scared AND still come out of that situation as the winner. I am working daily to fight through what scares me; if you are afraid of it, just take my hand. We will make it through together. It may be scary, but it will not defeat us.

A Dear Fear Letter

Hey Fear,

I cannot believe we have been together for this long. Understand Fear, and I am not happy with this relationship. You keep me locked in a box and have me second guess everything I do. There have been moments in our relationship; you have made me not trust the people that I love the most because you put thoughts in my head that they were not good for me. You also would make me distance myself and run away from my dreams. Fear I cannot find a happy moment with you, and you know this. So why do you want to stay around? Is it because you like it when I am beating myself up? Is it because it is funny seeing me throwing up because I cannot handle the stress? Whatever it is, I am done with you, Fear.

Please do not call or write to me to talk me out of this. I have nothing else to say to you. We are not a good fit any more Fear. You are only good for making me hide instead of fighting for what I want. I hope you never do this to anyone else. Stay away from me; I do not wish to deal with you at all. I am over being controlled by you, and I am ready to be happy.

Goodbye Fear,

Ari