You are not needed. Why is it every time I want happiness, you come along and talk me out of it? What is it about seeing me being happy bothers you? Is it because you can’t keep me in my bed? Is it because you can’t keep me thinking my life is pointless? I have a good life. I have a family that loves me through all of my ups and downs, and it kills you. It kills you that I learn how to forgive and move forever. Well, I hate to tell you this, sweetheart, but I am not sorry for you not winning over my life. I know that one day I will see you again, but I will be ready for you. I know that I may weep during the night, but I will find happiness and joy again. Never will I let you keep me down as you have before. That is a promise I am willing to make to me.
I have some questions for you. For starters, do you know that it is 5 in the morning, and you have me up worrying again? Is it because you like picking with me, or do you really think that I like not having sleep? Please help me understand your role in this toxic relationship you have placed me in. I want to be able to sleep without taking a pill to shut you up. PLEASE LET ME SLEEP! I BEG YOU! We can talk when the sun comes up about whatever you have planned for us to do today. Just let me sleep, girl. I have something important to do, and I would like to be well-rested. Is that okay with you? Damn. You are so needy, and I cannot handle it anymore. I know we are stuck with each other but work with me, please.
I am not feeling my best right now, so it only fits to spread positivity to myself and others. Here are ten affirmations I use when I am feeling out of it during my depressive episodes.
I possess the qualities needed to be successful.
I am a work in progress, and that’s okay.
I choose positivity today.
I will let go of things that do not give me peace.
All my problems have solutions.
It is okay to say no to things that do not serve you.
I am grounded.
I choose happiness.
I can handle anything that comes my way. I am strong.
I have the power to control my thoughts.
Say these affirmations to yourself daily and see how well they work for you. I am not saying that they will work overnight, but if you are willing to make it a habit, you can see your behavior change.
I am sorry that I have been hard on you. I did not realize how pushing you to pass your limits would make you cry. You are smart, and doubting you were the worst thing I could do to you. You do not deserve to hear the harsh words I say to you. You do not deserve to be beaten down for making small mistakes. I understand that making mistakes only helps you grow and reach your goals. I am sorry for making you think there is a right or wrong way to get to your dreams. You are allowed to march to a different beat from others. I get it now, Ari. I get that I hurt you, and that was not fair to you. You were born to live a life that fits you, not you trying to fit a life that was not designed for you to wear.
Please forgive me, Ari.
I did not know any better, but I am willing to sit back and trust the process that has been made for you.
I love you Ari, and I am willing to do what it takes to love you every day.
Right now, I am sure you are writing your fifth 10-year goals list, hoping that 30 never comes for you. Well, sis, it’s coming sooner than you think. But guess what? You do not have to have it all together before 30 comes. You are at a place where making mistakes should not drive you to think less of yourself, but the mistakes should be taken as lessons being taught to you. You are smart enough to reach any goal you set your mind to; just stop trying to focus on how quick that goal is achieved when it’s not the time for you yet. I know you see people you went to high school with having their degrees and starting new chapters for themselves, but understand you did not do anything wrong. We are not supposed to move the way we see others moving. That’s not how we were made. We were made to march differently and do so with ease.
Lastly, Ari, you are killing it! Just take your time and do not allow what you see others doing; keep you from being your true self. We have time, so take the time to enjoy the journey.
30 Something Ari